The waiting game

When the Farragut set sail back in January I had so many plans, so much I wanted to accomplish. I think between February and May I was working out so hard, trying to get in a fitness groove and learning how to push myself and eat more of the right things. By the end of May my focus turned to finances, working towards being debt-free by the time Brian returns. In June I think I worked on helping others accomplish a few goals by spending my weekend with ladies that needed an extra set of hands and muscles for some big projects. Now in July I have been focused on the apartment, decorating and organizing. I got a storage unit for some of our extra stuff that we rarely need like Christmas decorations, etc. The thing is, with all this drive to get it all done, I am now basically done and have accomplished most everything on my list. The last minute details take very little time in the grand scheme of things. I finished everything too early and now I am stuck in the waiting room. :( Luckily I have a painting to finish and a few more seasons of Sex In the City to watch. I am having the carpets cleaned and my hair lightened to blond on Tuesday. I feel like there are so few projects for the amount of time that remains. Help, somebody give me something to do!

Last night Jenny and I went to dinner at the North Beach Bistro. It was she and her husband's 10th wedding anniversary. It is hard to enjoy such a significant moment when your spouse is halfway around the world. I told Brian that I was gonna be her stand in groom for the evening. We had a great time. I wish we had taken a photo of the two of us. Her husband sent her the most beautiful matching necklace and earrings. Boy is she blingin'! We had a great time and I honestly don't think I have eaten that much since December. I was so miserable afterwards but it was worth it. The food was amazing. I ordered Mahi Mahi with Mango.... MMMMMM.

This morning he called and woke me...YAY! :) We laughed and I got a little choked up once. He is just everything I want and need ... and so, so far away from home.

JULY !!! Oh sweet, sweet July!

Wow. I can't believe it is JULY! YAY! With each month that has passed a new marker is crossed that inches closer and closer to the return of the Farragut.

I think so often about the night before Brian left. We were laying down for the nap, mentally exhausted from the preparations, yet unable to fully let ourselves rest. We knew that these were our final moments together before the ship set sail. Laying there trying to be still and quiet, neither of us could say what was on our minds. We were both brokenhearted. As we lay there in silence, I grabbed my cell phone and text him the few words I wished I could say out loud, "I miss you already". He grabbed for his phone, a few seconds later my text alert sounded. It read "I started missing you the moment I found out there was a deployment". We both burst into tears and could do nothing but hold each other crying until we fell asleep.

I point out this moment, this memory for one main reason. Looking back on that moment, we were so completely sad that we were going to be apart. We were so nervous about the unknown. How would our relationship hold up over a seven month deployment? How would we make it without seeing each other for so long. But here is the answer... one day at a time. Every morning when I wake, especially in the beginning, I just wanted the strength to get through that day. Then you get into a routine and find projects and friends to occupy your time. While I hate the feeling that him leaving brings, the leading up to and watching him pull away is by far the hardest part. The day after he left I found myself thinking, today is one day closer to his return.

I am so incredibly thankful for all the sacrifices he has made. I am so thankful for my friends and family who have been there for me and encouraged me through his absence. I am so thankful that the fear that this deployment would bring us apart has been the opposite of what has truly happened. We are closer now than before he left.

Sooner than later he will make his way back to me. Soon I will be going back blond and filling the fridge with all the things he likes. I will be pressing my dress for homecoming and making sure there is plenty of laundry detergent. I have never wanted to wash a load of coveralls so bad... pretty soon.... I will get to.

So close... Yet so far away

Photo description: Brian doing stand up comedy in the mess decks. Notice the look on the two ladies faces... :)

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Early in the week my family had a horrible family tragedy. No one should have to experience what they are going through now. It isn't a good time for me to give the details as those I care about may read and be upset. I will share more details later.

Also, this week I have really really just needed a hug from Brian. I have just been needing that... "Hang on honey, it is almost over" reassurance. And I am sure that he wants to give me that. Then again, by me wanting that, I am setting up an expectation that cannot be met. I am creating a longing for something that cannot be fulfilled. Before Brian left on deployment he promised me a reasonable one phone call a week. I am now on my 22nd day. I know there is a good reason... I just know it. But at this point, I feel so overwhelmed knowing that he has admittedly had the time and opportunity to call and just didn't. It is hard for me to not allow myself to get a little emotional, especially after the family tragedy.

I think sometimes you have to get tough skinned in listening to your navy wife friends too. Phone calls and Skype sessions are what really keep us going. Many of the wives get multiple phone calls a week and some even get to do Skype dates. It is hard not to let myself compare Brian's response to their husbands. I mean, I have to be happy for them that they get all that attention without holding Brian to that same level of expectation. He never promised any of those things. The emails are really appreciated, but it is nothing like just hearing his voice tell me... "I love you and I miss you". It just somehow makes every absent moment worth it. I am trying to hold him to his word to call me once a week, but am finding that maybe I should just tell myself I have to be okay even if he doesn't. It is just really hard to think that I may have to go through the rest of deployment without that reassurance.

I am so incredibly proud of him. I miss him so much. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am absolutely crazy about him. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be holding on....

Time flies... or does it?

It is hard to believe that I didn't post ANYTHING in April. Guess my promise of keeping everyone updated, along with my own personal diary, has kinda been slacking. This is life... Stuff Happens! (the G-rated version of what I was really thinking).

WARNING... THIS BLOG IS LENGTHY! I have a lot to catch up on.

Between February and early May I spent lots of time and MAJOR $$$ on training with my oh-so-artsy trainer, Trey. My results have been good, but less than fabulous. My PCOS nutritionist told me a year or more ago that NO amount of exercise would ever change my body. I will see VERY slow results if any. For the most part she was right, however there are small changes and I am definitely feeling stronger than I have in years. In mid-May I decided that it was time that Trey and I part ways. I don't think either of us really wanted to. But the bottom line is that I have a wedding to pay for and a long-term trainer is not in the budget. I ordered Power 90 (the prerequisite to P90X) a few weeks ago and am a week into the program. It is challenging, but doable. All of the exercises require 8-15 repetitions. I usually make it to 10 before I have to bail out. At least I know I can spend the next 40 days working up to the 15th rep before I move on to the next disc which is more challenging. I haven't lost much weight since January, but I have lost measurable inches. More and more I am feeling like... Screw the scale! I just want to feel fit and healthy!

In late April I attended a Beth Moore simulcast conference. Honestly, it may be the highlight of my time that Brian has been away. IT WAS WONDERFUL! The conference was for women and called "So Long Insecurity". It was eye-opening. It was informative. It was motivational. I think it may have been a life-changing weekend for me. I felt like a different woman when I left. Plus, when you worship God with over 300,000 women... it does something so amazingly good for your soul. It is like satisfying your longing heart.

Now for the most important topic...BRIAN! He is doing well on his deployment. He found out yesterday that he didn't advance, but MANY didn't and it honestly isn't a big deal. I know he really wanted it, and I was cheering him on... but it isn't like he got demoted. I am really, really proud of all he has accomplished. He is seeing the world! He is doing things that few people ever get to do, some of those are good things and some just come with the job.

I have good days and bad days, but mostly good days. When you work all week, workout in the evenings, and try to take care of yourself, it occupies the majority of your time. Most weekends I either just want to rest and be alone or just want to have a chill weekend hanging out with my home girls... and there is always the beach and the pool. My friend Jenny and I live really close and it is so nice to have a friend to call you and say, "hey, you wanna meet at Panera at 7?". Honestly, I feel like she and Rhonda have been so great to me and for me. Rhonda is from Memphis and when I am with her, well...she just feels like being home with family. They are the first two friends outside of my co-workers that have truly made me feel like family. I am so thankful to have them.

More blogs to follow on my trip home for my 30th!

Recorded Calories Burned To-Date

Just to make it clear, this is not me in the pic... it is just how I feel at the gym.


I have recently learned that my Polar can only display a certain number of previous workouts. I know that it is keeping track of the total sessions, but only displays a certain number of those. When I train tomorrow night, the oldest day displayed will fall off. It will still add it to the total, but I won't be able to look at the details of that day. Because I want to keep this info, I have decided to start recording the data here.

As of now... my totals recorded to date(there were some days that I forgot my hr monitor after I had purchased it).

TOTAL SESSIONS SINCE 2/17 - 22
TOTAL TIME SINCE 2/17 - 23 HOURS, 19 MINUTES, 32 SECONDS
TOTAL CALORIES SINCE 2/17 - 12,244 CALORIES

3/5 - 1:03:13 - 571 calories
3/7 - 1:19:53 - 830 calories
3/8 - 1:07:07 - 494 calories
3/9 - 1:17:44 - 776 calories
3/10 - 0:45:13 - 298 calories (dental work day)
3/11 - 1:16:07 - 701 calories
3/13 - 1:15:12 - 678 calories
3/14 - 1:02:02 - 745 calories (spin class)
3/15 - 1:03:23 - 582 calories
3/16 - 1:10:38 - 702 calories

These are all the individual days that are currently showing, although the total calorie count goes back to 2/17.

My First Spin Class

I have heard people talk about spin class for years now, how it burns lots of calories, kicks your butt, etc. I have always wanted to go, but simply because of the endurance required, I have never gone to a class. After a friend asked me to go, I decided to suck it up and try it. I have been working out for awhile now, and I have gained strength and endurance... so today I tried it.

It was hard, but I did it. I made it through the whole class. My heart rate got up to 195 at one point, when I tried to slow my knees kinda locked up and came to a stop for a sec. I was just trying to slow down and lower my heart rate a bit. Other than that, I was able to learn the resistance and have better control. I burned about 745 calories during the hour long session.

Anywho... I am so glad I went. It is something I have always wanted to try and now I have done it.

The Virtuous Woman

Since I was a teenager I have routinely taken a look at Proverbs 31. It is the story that many refer to as "The Virtuous Woman". It describes a woman who is full of grace, class, discipline, and a really hard worker. She is a career woman who takes care of her family and supports her husband in all he does. Tonight I was noticing that in verses 11 and 12 it says, "The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

I am not sure why, but when I read these verses a vision of a man came to my mind. It is a vision of a man who has so much responsibility, so many burdens, and such a heavy load to carry. He is doing all he can to make sure his family has all they need. And in the midst of all these burdens, standing behind him, supporting him, loving him... this woman, his wife. She is his escape, his peace, he may not be sure about everything else in life, but he is sure about her. He is completely confident that he can count on her, trust her, and knows that she will not miss a beat to make sure he is supported, helped, loved, and has his moments of safety, peace and rest amidst all his responsibility. She is his refuge.

I want to be this woman. I want to make sure that no matter what, Brian can find rest, trust, safety, love and comfort in me. He does so much and works so hard with military life and deployments, less comfortable surroundings and his service. He does all this and still makes the time to tell me he loves me. I am so lucky to have him. I want to do all I can to make sure he knows how loved and appreciated he is by giving him all the support he needs.

I pray for him everyday that God will bless him and make him a blessing to those around him...that God would use him in a mighty way to do things bigger than he knows he is capable of doing...that Christ would be to him as an anchor to the soul, both sure and steadfast...that God give him favor amongst his coworkers and those in authority over him... and that at the end of his day, God will lay him down in perfect peace so that he may rise the next day, ready for his service.