Photo description: Brian doing stand up comedy in the mess decks. Notice the look on the two ladies faces... :)
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Early in the week my family had a horrible family tragedy. No one should have to experience what they are going through now. It isn't a good time for me to give the details as those I care about may read and be upset. I will share more details later.
Also, this week I have really really just needed a hug from Brian. I have just been needing that... "Hang on honey, it is almost over" reassurance. And I am sure that he wants to give me that. Then again, by me wanting that, I am setting up an expectation that cannot be met. I am creating a longing for something that cannot be fulfilled. Before Brian left on deployment he promised me a reasonable one phone call a week. I am now on my 22nd day. I know there is a good reason... I just know it. But at this point, I feel so overwhelmed knowing that he has admittedly had the time and opportunity to call and just didn't. It is hard for me to not allow myself to get a little emotional, especially after the family tragedy.
I think sometimes you have to get tough skinned in listening to your navy wife friends too. Phone calls and Skype sessions are what really keep us going. Many of the wives get multiple phone calls a week and some even get to do Skype dates. It is hard not to let myself compare Brian's response to their husbands. I mean, I have to be happy for them that they get all that attention without holding Brian to that same level of expectation. He never promised any of those things. The emails are really appreciated, but it is nothing like just hearing his voice tell me... "I love you and I miss you". It just somehow makes every absent moment worth it. I am trying to hold him to his word to call me once a week, but am finding that maybe I should just tell myself I have to be okay even if he doesn't. It is just really hard to think that I may have to go through the rest of deployment without that reassurance.
I am so incredibly proud of him. I miss him so much. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am absolutely crazy about him. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be holding on....
